The Dancer Formerly Known as Draconis

“The desire to teach without the burden to study is a desire to perform.”

I saw this on Twitter. I don’t know who said it first.

There isn’t a great way to start this, so I don’t see the use in the social media influencer standard greeting. I’d like to share with you some changes I’ve been making to my “brand” as a dancer. Firstly, you’ve probably noticed that my name on all my various platforms has changed from Draconis to Drake von Trapp. This isn’t a mistake. I am, from here on forward, going to be operating under this name as opposed to Draconis. Additionally… I cut and dyed my hair. So I look a little like Jonathan Van Ness now.

If that’s all you tuned in for, then feel free to go about your day now! If you’re interested in some details, I’m happy to share them below.

Glad you stuck around! I’m sure a lot of people are wondering why I decided on this change. Without getting too new agey and spiritual about “rebirths” and “actualizing”, it basically comes down to this: I chose my name for myself when I was a young teenager, and it no longer reflects who I am as an adult. I picked Draconis when I was 14 years old, when I first knew I was transgender. There was a lot going on in my life that led me to feel the need to put up a vibrant, theatrical front. This encompasses the name and my hair color. While not entirely the culprit, a lot of it was due to some repressed teenage rebellion seeking a way out. I wanted to be unique, I wanted to stand out, and I wanted to be recognizable. Moreover, I felt that being unique was the key to success, popularity, and fame. I wanted to be liked.

I’ve been coloring my hair red for 16 years (with several phases of other vibrant colors, but it always came back to red). While the distinction and distinguishment it gave me was validating at the time, it has since become a burden. It’s expensive and stressful to maintain, it stains all your stuff pink, and it fades so quickly that it’s disappointing 90% of the time when it’s not in that fresh, just-dyed stage. I made the decision to give myself some peace of mind by migrating towards my natural color.

When I see myself with the bright red hair, I see myself still fixed in that position of fighting to be noticed and appreciated, of teenage angst manifesting itself by trying to stand out. Now that I’ve grown significantly, I no longer feel the need to express myself in that way. I’m less interested in being noticed for how I look, and more so interested in being recognized for what I create.

I made a lot of mistakes when I first started dancing. I felt the need to immediately start proving myself to the community and start my journey trying to tour and compete and be noticed (see a pattern?), but I had yet to put in the appropriate work as a student.

“The desire to teach without the burden to study is a desire to perform.”

I wanted to perform. I wanted all the perks of being a superstar without the discipline, work ethic, and just plain knowledge to do it. By following this path, I did myself a real disservice to my own progress, and I absolutely did a disservice to the students who studied with me. Now, I find satisfaction and pride in carefully curating my lessons and writing my handouts, doing my research, and preparing my dances in a structured, scheduled way.

I’d like to take a moment to clarify that I do genuinely love teaching, and I’ve found my stride in my teaching practice and my own dance practice since coming to these conclusions. But I was, at first, using teaching and competing as a vehicle for seeking external validation that I was good enough.

In short, Draconis made a lot of mistakes out of an inner child’s desire to be accepted and validated. I didn’t have a mentor to guide me in the decisions I was making, so I ended up in this weird nebulous zone of “I shouldn’t be here, but they haven’t figured that out yet, and nobody has told me to leave, so I’ll just keep going”. If I could get in a time machine, I would have approached my introduction to the concert stage after having put in the groundwork first, as opposed to going back and filling in the data later.

This statement has gotten a little away from me. I’ll wrap things back up now. In summary, the name I took and the hair I chose were representative of someone I don’t want to be anymore. As I am moving towards graduate school and academia, I want to present myself authentically and without ulterior motives.

I am the dancer formerly known as Draconis.